The Patriots won the Super Bowl. As always one can look to The Onion‘s brilliant headlines for a comforting chuckle: “Patriots Super Bowl Win Provides Storybook Ending To NFL Credibility.” Presumably Roger Goodell, the Senator Geary of the NFL, will soon help the Patriots whitewash their cheating scandal, and the air will stink of the farts of a million Masshole fans for the next twelve months.

So, as the rest of the nation pauses to throw quietly up, let me pass along those thoughts that give me solace in these miserable times:

–Think of that dead kid in the Nationwide Insurance commercial. At least he died before he saw this.

–Yes, Patriots fans are insufferable, preening asses in victory. But they’re insufferable, whining asses in defeat, so we haven’t lost much.

–The Patriots are liars and cheaters, but they’ll never be able to cheat death and time. Of course, neither can we, so that’s fairly cold comfort. Never mind that one.

–We’ve had ten good years of the Patriots losing in the playoffs. Those were good times. Remember when they lost that Super Bowl to the Giants, spoiling their “perfect” season? Wasn’t that delicious?

–Yes, from first mitosis to now Tom Brady has believed he’s been happy, but in some deep way undetectable to him, he’s been living a terrible, hollow lie.

–In six months, training camp will start, and your NFL team will have things to look forward to again. (Unless, like me, you’re a Raiders fan, in which case you should remember George Carlin’s suggestion for a self-help book title: I Gave Up Hope and It Worked Out Fine.)

–There are puppies, and rainbows, and the smiles on little babies’ faces… oh, God, get me that bucket again.

–The Chicago Cubs are looking pretty good this year. (Not for everyone, but it gives me something to look forward to.)

–Inhabitants of an infinite number of parallel universes got to watch the Seahawks beat the Patriots in dramatic fashion last night.

–Bill Belichick may be able to steal the joy of an entire nation every once in a while, but it never seems to make him any happier.