Last night, I really did start out wanting to work on revisions for the new book. I did, Mom, honest and for true. I know I have a grant application coming due in a couple of weeks and I need the samples to be good, but somehow, I got started on my nemesis, Civilization V, and ended up running Babylon for 5,000 years. As the 20th century started, I held an enormous technological advantage over all opponents, yet Napoleon kept insisting on declaring war on me, le petit fucker. So I’m slaughtering Napoleon’s waves of riflemen and mounted cavalry with stealth bombers, cruise missiles, modern armor, and rocket artillery while he does his dismembered knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail impression, when the computer informs me that it’s scheduled to shut down in 10 minutes. I have my computer do this daily at 6 in-the-motherfucking-a.m. Looking outside, I see that the sun is up and shining, and outside human beings are starting their days.

I need to pull the sitcom move and have a friend lock me in a room with a computer that doesn’t have Civ V installed and tell him, “Whatever you hear, whatever I may say, whatever happens, do not let me out to play Civ V.” It may be my only hope.