The Week in Weak

So here’s what we weak this week.

Marco Rubio Blows A Main Spring

Marco Rubio, candidate beloved of pundits and exhibit B for why I’m disappointed with my generation’s offerings this election season, looked like he was clear to impress establishment GOP voters and become the less-obviously-hateful alternative to Trump and Cruz. But in the debate on Saturday he…um…well, you’ll see…

He did it again during a speech yesterday.

If I felt charitable, I’d say that everyone has a bad moment now and then, and in such moments people sometimes resort to repetition out of nervousness. But Marco Rubio does not arouse feelings of charity or mercy in me. Because he reminds me of the kid in class who always took names when the teacher was absent, fuck him. The only trouble with this was it briefly made Chris Christie look good, and I hate him too.


People Spent Way Too Much Time Evaluating Cam Newton’s Class Level

Cam Newton had a tough Super Bowl. The Broncos’ defense abused him in front of a billion people. So when it came time for his press conference, he was a little less than friendly. So the same people who dumped on him all season for celebrating scores and wins decided to dump on him for appearing sullen when he lost.


The most nauseating habit of sports fans and sports media types is their urge to go Emily Post on us and declare who possesses “class” and who doesn’t. Cam Newton had to eat some of this from Seahawks fans a couple of weeks ago for no particularly good reason, and everyone in the league has been on the receiving end of Patriots’ fans estimates of other teams’ and fans’ classiness.  Bunch of miserable, leaky nosed Pecksniffs, grow the fuck up.

“Classiness” has been French for “insufficiently white” for generations now, and tiresome tits have been deploying it against some of the best, and most entertaining, athletes of color of the last century, including the once insanely controversial but now saintly Muhammad Ali.

Maybe in that there’s hope for Cam Newton. When Cam’s old, obviously suffering from a terrible disease, barely able to talk, and no threat to the white arbiter’s of “class”, he’ll finally be the sort of athlete that can serve as a national role model. We’ll let him light the Olympic Torch and give him a Medal of Freedom. But as long as he’s healthy, we must condemn any sign from him that he’s blissful or beaten. Only white players and coaches get to show feelings. Everyone else should be stoic and just glad to take part. As Yesha Callahan wrote in The Root:

It’s funny. Next to being forgiving, it seems as though black people should also be humble and show humility at the drop of a dime. You have no time to grieve. You have no time to deal with a loss. It’s interesting how no one ever commented on Tom Brady’s or even Bill Belichick’s interviews. They get a pass, but Newton doesn’t. Hell, you even had a former NFL player refer to Newton as a “boy” on Twitter because of his postgame interview.

George Carlin was right. Sports fans and media types are (mostly) shit-eating vermin.


Ted Nugent Gets Anti-Semitic

Okay, Ted. We get it. You really love guns. You really really really love guns. You wish the entire world were made of guns, but since it isn’t, you’re forever on the lookout for anyone who might arrange things so no one can make it even slightly less convenient for you to arm yourself as if you were North Korea West.

Does it surprise me that you ended up saying this? (from Time):

Rock musician Ted Nugent posted a message about “who is really behind gun control” on Facebook that the Anti-Defamation League slammed as anti-Semitic.

In the post, Nugent shares a grid of photos of Jewish legislators and leaders who support gun control, labeling each photo with Israeli flags and descriptions like “Jew York City mayor Mikey Bloomberg” and, under a photo of the late New Jersey Sen. Frank Lautenberg, “Gave Russian Jew immigrants your tax money.”

Nugent apparently did not create the photo grid himself—the ADL says it has appeared elsewhere in the past—but he wrote a message accompanying it saying, “Know these punks. They hate freedom, they hate good over evil, they would deny us the basic human right to self defense & to KEEP & BEAR ARMS while many of them have tax paid hired ARMED security!”

No. It doesn’t surprise me at all.

I have to figure that pellet-brained twits like Nugent can only justify owning more guns than they could possibly use if they claim they must defend themselves against enormous conspiracies run by the powerful and shady. And since Powerful and Shady=Jew in the Handbook of Right Wing Equations, there he goes. He’s forever manning the ramparts of his own paranoid little Red Dawn fantasy camp, looking out for the incursions of ZOG, munching on freeze dried legumes from the survival bunker, and leafing through The Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion as if it were a fount of knowledge instead of a poisonous forgery.

It’s a horrible way to waste a life.

Ted Nugent. Just think. “Wango Tango” was his high point.

Until Next Week, I leave you with Samantha Bee’s opening monologue, “All You Can Eat Crazy”, from her new show. Funny.


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