Do you feel like no one’s listening to you? Are you ignored at parties, in meetings, or during GOP Presidential Debates? Is it your wardrobe? Your breath? No. The real trouble is…
YOU’RE JUST TOO SANE!
Don’t worry. Despite the best efforts of Fox News and Glen Beck, a disquietingly high percentage of the U.S. population has not gone completely insane, and you might be among them. I know. Tragic, right? But there is help. With a steady diet of escalating misinformation, you can be every bit as insane as the man everyone will be rolling their eyes at until someone even more insane comes along. Yes, we’re talking about TV’s Ben Carson.
Our course is unique. By diligently following our reading list set below, even people as sane and sober as Ted Koppel, Neil DeGrasse Tyson, or that guy who does voice work for Frontline have gone completely gaga, believing the Earth is 6,000 years old, that dinosaurs lived with humans, and that supply side economics works for anyone other than wealthy people.
Come descend into madness with us:
Beginning Level (Weirdo) (6-10 weeks):
Subscribe to Fox News (mandatory). Watch 24 hours per day. (Yes, it must be left on while you sleep)
Read and believe 10 Daily Mail articles per day. Your mind may resist them at first. It might protest, “Is there any 19th century Englishman that the Daily Mail doesn’t think was Jack the Ripper?” This voice must be heard, then silenced.
Read The Book of Virtues.
Read The Wall Street Journal editorial page.
Read any two (2) books from Bill O’Reilly’s Killing (Somebody) series.
Read Jonah Goldberg’s Liberal Fascism.
Intermediate Level (Crank) (7-20 weeks):
Read and believe 30 articles from Glen Beck’s website, The Blaze.
Read Charles Murray’s The Bell Curve
Read Thomas DiLorenzo’s The Real Lincoln
Read Robert Bork’s Slouching Towards Gomorrah
Read Ayn Rand’s The Virtue of Selfishness
Read the Salon columns of Camille Paglia.
Expert Level (Nutcase) (8-48 weeks):
Read Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged (Warning, skipping ahead to this has been known to cause strokes to the still sane.)
Read Cleon Skousen’s The Naked Communist. (You may be mad enough by now that you cringe at the sight of the word “naked”, but it’s for your own good.)
Read the doctoral dissertation of Kent Hovind
Read Dinesh D’Souza’s The Roots of Obama’s Rage.
Read David Barton’s The Jefferson Lies.
Devour and believe 100 WorldNet Daily articles.
By this point, any vestigial sanity can be cured on a purely outpatient basis. Your mouth will constantly spew the most wildly improbable horse-puckey, and you’ll have the talking points to defend it against all rational opposition. Your quotes will go viral on social media. Mad people who agree with you will spread them because they’re mad, while sane people will spread them as a springboard for their snarky comments. All the while, your prestige as a mad person will grow. In time, you might get paid speaking gigs, be asked to go on a 30-city book tour, or even better, reach office in a safe GOP district, allowing you to inflict your derangement on thousands, possibly millions of your fellow citizens.
Ask Governor-Elect Matt Bevin:
“Ten years ago, I was a sober, sensible human being that no one gave two craps about. But thanks to Jim Snowden’s madness course, I believed exactly the kind of wacky bullshit that convinced Kentucky’s voters that I should be elected to fuck up their health care because freedom and Kim Davis. I owe it all to this course, which completely destroyed my ability to tell motivated reasoning and fantasy from reality. Thanks, Jim.”
Don’t wait. The dream of living the sweet life of a famous nutjob is within your reach. Grab it today! Spoon!