Raiders Coach Dennis Allen Wants To Get What He Deserves

After wrapping up a second consecutive 4-12 season for the Oakland Raiders, Dennis Allen says he “deserves” to return for a third. Here are some of his reasons for wanting another shot:

–Because with his first round pick last year, Allen and GM Reggie McKenzie selected a player who nearly died from a football injury the previous fall. This year, they’d like an opportunity to take that line of thinking further and use the 5th overall pick in the 2014 draft to select a corpse.

–Because after two years of searching, Dennis Allen finally found a sports organization whose methods and results he wants to emulate: The Seattle Mariners.

–Because Allen hopes to convince die-hard Raiders fans that there’s a lot to see and do on  Sunday afternoons in Northern California besides watching marginally competent athletes embarrass themselves in futile competition with their superiors–wine tastings, bike rides, Cable Cars, Fisherman’s Wharf, 49ers games, Giants games, A’s games, music festivals, the Alcatraz tour, nude beaches, rumpy-pumpy, narcotics shopping, murder, or just plain staring into the sun.

–Because Allen and Reggie McKenzie hope to break their own single season record for blaming Al Davis for their problems.

–Because after a realistic assessment of the differentials in talent between the Raiders and the remaining teams in the AFC, McKenzie and Allen have been following an intricate plan for long term success whose details are far too subtle for lesser minds to grasp–a plan that calls for the slow, painstaking acquisition of gifted athletes of high character. This plan will culminate in a glorious Oakland Raiders squad reaching the playoffs in the year 2937.

–Because Allen hopes to prove that football, like life, is absurd.

–Because the Prophecy, whose runes are hewn into the living rocks of Allamon-Goth, did say that four must be the number of Raiders victories each autumn, and the number or Raiders victories must be four. No more, no less. If the Raiders should win five games, or three, or any other number than four, Remlac the Destroyer will escape the Desolation of Magdroom; and he, with his numberless minions, shall enslave this world. The moon shall become as fire and the bay shall turn to gall. Men will rend their flesh in agony and the Epoch of Weeping will begin. Repent the folly of your belief that Dennis Allen should do other than he has done. Amen.


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